I, like many unsuspecting members, was tricked into getting Tinder. My friend sold it to me under the premise that it was a game. In fact, its misleading use of language such as “keep playing” had me thinking that these were fictional characters up until the point where Andy, 24, from Glasgow popped up on my screen to say, “Like the headdress lol r u a red Indian haha.” It was love at first casual racist remark.
So, Andy didn’t make the cut, but it was scary how quickly my index finger became accustomed to the left swipe. For those of you unfamiliar with the concept: Tinder is an app that allows you to judge peoples’ characters based solely on their name, proximity to you, and photos of them down the pub with da ladz. It provides common Facebook friends to make sure that your misdemeanours can be carried out with the upmost anonymity, and even gives common interests. Clearly, if you’ve both ‘liked’ Miley Cyrus’s tongue you’re going to have tonnes to talk about on your date.
There are some very nice boys on Tinder (and I should know given that I went to school with half of the ones within a 5-mile radius…), but they tend to be diamonds in the rough. The rough being my most hated of all demographics: the Lad. This waste of space is most likely to be found organising a game of “fives” with the other lads while throwing in some condescending remarks about their girlfriend for good measure. Tinder is a live minefield for these miscreants and if you’re not careful you might find yourself roped into a conversation starting with: “you’re like my big toe because I’d bang you on every piece of furniture I’ve got”*. Look no further than my spectrum for instant lad identification based solely on their Tinder profile photos:
LAD NUMBER 1: The “Adventurer”
Photo on Tinder: pictured with a chained tiger while on a Ladz holiday to Thailand
Ironically, the “Adventurer” is the least adventurous man you will ever meet. He was en route to the Seven Eleven in Bangkok for a six-pack of Chang when he stumbled across this tiger. After asking its owner “will it bite me?” at least 4 times, he put on a LAD Face long enough to get the photo taken. In short, he’s the sort of man who you’ll end up watching rubbish Saturday night TV with while all your single friends are out for drinks with men who can string a sentence together.
LAD NUMBER 2: The “Loose Cannon”
Photo on Tinder: standing literally anywhere with his arms at a 60 degree angle to his head
It could be on a beach; atop a mountain; surrounded by beautiful women: wherever the photo has been taken, all this lad wants you to know is that he is MENTAL. Look at him with his arms outstretched in a pose that says “what I lack in intellect I’ll make up for in wingspan”. What’s he like, eh?! I would not touch him with a ten-foot bargepole, lest I catch some equally mental disease.
LAD NUMBER 3: The Optimist
Photo on Tinder: Mirror selfie, gym selfie, any kind of topless selfie
You left swipe and *BOOM*: your phone screen is filled with a mirrored reflection of some pasty abs passing themselves off as a six-pack. It takes a good few minutes before your eyes heal long enough to read his ‘About Me’ section: “Don’t even bother right-swiping unless you’re the kind of girl who sweats when you spin”*. Inevitably, I’ll right swipe just to be controversial, despite having never attended a spin class in my life. He’ll probably tell you that he fancies the ‘Barraco Barner’ girl more than you because she looks like she works out.
LAD NUMBER 4: The Family Man
Photo on Tinder: His wedding day
Who in the right mind sees a photo like this, thinks “ooh, a philanderer!”, and right-swipes? I suppose it comes down to personal taste but I generally prefer my boyfriends not to have a wife. The same goes for the Lads who have profile photos featuring children but add the disclaimer “btw kid is ma niece” underneath. I feel like photos that need a disclaimer should be avoided on dating apps. We get it, boys – you’re trying to persuade us that you’re good with kids because you think it will get our ovaries panging. Unfortunately your confusion of ‘your’ and ‘you’re’ got my gag reflex panging instead (Lad Number 3 would definitely have made a dirty joke here).
LAD NUMBER 5: The Clone
Photo on Tinder: He has 5 group shots of him with da ladz on various 18-30s holidays
Is it him on the left? No wait, maybe it’s him in the middle… how will we ever find out who he is given that all of his photos are group shots on the Malia strip (I went to Malia once so I can safely say this without feeling like a snob)? What’s more; every boy in the photo is wearing the same ‘Osaka’ t-shirt and is doing the same Wingspan Pose (see Lad Number 2). What fun they’re having. You’re sure to have this much fun too when you go out on a date with him…whichever one he turns out to be.
So there you have it; the rules for safe Tinder navigation. Don’t feel too bad for these boys – I hear there are a million Girlz Wif Pouting Pics just waiting to fire a winky face in their direction. In the meantime, for the thinking woman’s Tinder needs there’s this:
Tinder safely, kids.
*this actually fucking happened…
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